It's the last sleep till Christmas

So, here I am, sitting in my old bedroom at my parent's house in Franklin, TN. I haven't been here in about a year. It's amazing how little things seem to change here. It's amazing how much has changed since I was here last year. I don't think there has been a more roller coaster like year in my life to date. It's been fun, but it's also been tough. I've learned so much about life, about myself, what I want, what makes me happy, and what doesn't. And the answers are all so suprising and predictable at the same time.

I've learned that you can't make everyone happy. Not everyone will approve of the things you do, but this shouldn't stop you from doing what you feel you gotta do. What is right for you might not be right for someone else. If you live constantly trying to win the approval of other people, you'll never find happiness. True happiness comes from knowing who you are and what you want to do with your life. Its YOUR life, not theirs, live it the way you want, you only get one chance.

I've learned that I can be my own worst enemy. I think I always knew this though. I have a lot to offer the world, I can do whatever I set my mind to, I just have to get out of my own way and let myself be.

I've learned that life is too short. Life is too short to not follow your dreams, to settle for the mediocre, to say what you think, to work hard but play harder, to fret about tomorrow, to care what people think, to constantly be straddling the fence, to love half-heartedly. You get out of the universe what you put into the universe. You might as well go all in.

Whoever reads this very infrequently updated blog, I wish you a merry christmas...I hope its filled with laughter, love, and the people you care about most. I know mine will be....sort of ;)

~*Jessica*~

random spewing of thoughts. sorry bout that.

teenagers are obnoxious. was I like this only...5 years ago?! Please say no.

I'm really glad I pretty much don't have any freckles. just a few minimal, cute ones on my face in the summer time.

People shouldn't have really anoying, loud, TMI kind of conversations in the cafe of Barnes and Noble. I mean, really, we don't want to know you a ho.

Guys who come out of nowhere, smile, and try to talk to you are either creepy or they just want to sell you something. Don't talk to them.

I'm really dying to see the new episode of Trueblood. MUST. SEE. IT. NOW. As in, I'll probably break into Jake's apartment tonight and watch it on his dvr, such is the severity of my need to see it.

That's really all my random comments that I needed to get out for the day. I'm sitting at the B&N at the Grove, trying to catch a little internet time before heading off to work. Since moving in with my friend, Nikki, I don't have wifi at my new apartment so I have to go in search of it. Hopefully within the week I'll have my router set up.

The big news right now is that, yes, I am no longer "living in sin," as some like to say, haha. I moved out of my boyfriend's place, and I really enjoy living on my own. We're still together. People don't really understand this. I guess it is kind of strange and foreign to people to go backwards like this and not break up. But, it is what it is.

Thats really the only interesting thing I have to say right now...that is, the only interesting thing I have time to go into right now. Hopefully I'll have some exciting news to report soon, as I have quite a few things in the pipeline that I really hope work out. Stay tuned!

Mechies Frozen Yogurt Owns Me...

I mean really, I really have no will power when it comes to menchies frozen yogurt...but it can't hurt every once in a while can it?

Anyway. I've been a very busy girl lately. This has been a really fun and exciting past month. For starters, I'm going to be competing in the Miss California USA pageant this November. My title is " Miss Sunset." It definitely beats being Miss Studio City or something of the like, if you ask me. You may not realize this, but this whole pageant thing is totally off my list of things I thought I'd do in my life. I never saw myself as one of those "pageant girls." They seem too perfect, pretty, tan, and plastic to be me. I'm not saying that I think I'm ugly...just not the pageant type. In fact, I didn't even apply for it. I got a voicemail on my phone one night saying I'd been "pre-selected" to come in for an interview for the pageant. My first reaction was "what the hell?! That's ridiculous! How did they get my phone number?!" I'm not going to lie, I was also flattered, so I went in for the interview, and now here I am! I'm currently looking for sponsors, so anyone who is looking for a good tax write off, look no further!

But that isn't the only exciting thing about this month! I also turned 21 last Saturday, and that was definitely a blast. My boyfriend Jake got me the cutest bike ever-loves it! I wish I could ride it everywhere! Then Jake took me out to dinner at Nobu, which was delish! Their drinks aren't bad either....May I recomend the Spring Punch?
Of course, those are the first alchoholic beverages that I've EVER had ;) Then, it was off to dance the night away at Foxtail! Me and Jake met up with my friends Nicky and Kelly and it was off to the club...in style of course...
It was a great night, we had an we had an awesome time, and I am just so happy to be 21...FINALLY! People are always shocked when they find out how old I am, and that really amazes me. I hope its because I'm so mature and I moved clear across the country at such a young age, and not because I look like an old hag. lol.

So, happy birthday to me and all you other gemini's out there! Speaking of which, I don't really follow horosocopes and signs and all that too much, but from what I hear, Gemini people are supposed to be really crazy and somewhat bipolar. I have really seen that in myself lately. One day I'm as peppy as a cheerleader, and the next I'm a total wreck. What really gets me most times are what I like to call my " inner demons." They're those little voices that whisper unsweet nothings in my ears, and I've really battled them my whole life. Sometimes they really get the better of me too. I start to feel like I'll never amount to anything, that I'm wasting my time, that I should get a life, go back to school and get a real job, dammit! But I'm realizing more and more every day that hope and determination are active states of being, and if you don't keep them revved up, less attractive things come into the ball game. So if you are feeling the same icky things, keep your chin up! Everything takes time, determination, and some elbow grease, as my mom liked to say (usually she would use this elbow grease term when I was polishing furniture around the house, but it works, no?) When its right, things will fall into place. You just have to make sure you're there, ready to catch them!

~*Jessica*~

dazed and confused. but good.

If ever a girl wished for a real life fairy godmother, I'm really wishing for one now. I feel completely adrift and uncertain at the moment. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'm the most confused and clueless that I have ever been in my life....or at least, this is the first time I've realized it.

You see, lately I've really been trying to get more proactive about my career and work hard to get an agent and yadda yadda. So I sent out about 100 headshots and resumes, not as the cure for this, but as a starting point. Some have come back to me...not sure if the address was no bueno or if they got them but just had no interest and sent them right back to me. But most of them seem to have reached their destination. Of all of those, I've had two calls so far. One from MZA for commercial represenation, and the other from the Gerler Agency. I've been trying to do my homework on these guys the best I can, and from what I've gathered on various message boards and from actor friends at work, both of these agents have some good and bad reputations.

I met with MZA on Saturday, and Michael Zanuck, the head agent, seems to be a nice, professional guy. Maybe I'm just naive, but thats how he struck me. Although, he said that he does not like my headshot (which I paid $500+ for) and wants me to take new pictures. So that's a bit of a setback.

Tomorrow I meet with the Gerler Agency. I hope it goes well. They are interested in me for their theatrical dept. I'm a little nervous about it because a friend at work once met with them and had a horrible experience. But I'm trying to not think about that too much.

What I really want is someone with no agenda, no bias, who doesn't want to just take my money to give me some good sound advice and tell me what I should do next. Who should take my pictures...what class should I take...should I really sign with these people or should I not...

Its a hard game. But I guess somebody's gotta play it! I better run along to bed, I have a lot to do tomorrow...

~*Jessica*~

New Year, new Jessica

It's 2009. And, while this post is about...oh, a month over due, better late than never! I am overhauling my life. Major. Yes, in 2008, I accomplished a lot, if you think about it. I successfully moved my butt and belongings aaaaaall the way across this great nation to Los Angeles, CA. And I love it here. This is where I belonged all along.

And now a year has passed. They say the first year is the hardest. I'm still breathing, my boyfriend still loves me, and I'm a stronger person than I ever was. I love being on my own, working, and making my way for myself. Its liberating, and I love my newfound freedom. I finally feel like I can be me, pure and simple.

But, there are things to be done! Here are some of my goals for 2009:
1. Get an agent. no ifs ands or butts
2. study study study! that means taking classes, working on monologues by myself at home, practicing cold reading more. I'm going to pretend like I'm training to be an olympic figure skater again and get down to business!
3. create, shoot, and sucessfully produce me and Jake's ideas for short films. I am going to stop waiting to be "discovered" and start getting myself out there! and I am ready and raring to go
4. write more
5. read more, especially books about history, not just...ahem...twilight....
6. write in this blog more, for heaven's sake!

My problem is, some days I feel invincible. Tonight I feel like that. Other times, which is usually the majority of the time, I feel a bit less confident. When I lived in Nashville, I oozed confidence, almost to the point of sheer arrogance. I guess there I somehow knew that I should go on to bigger things. Here in LA though, I sometimes feel like I'm not enough. But I've come to realize this is stupid and I need to stop letting these thoughts take root in my conciousness.

When I used to skate, a lot of times at competition, I would get intimidated by my competitors. So, I started to get really aggressive when I was on the ice. I stopped giving other people the right of way. I stopped being timid, at least on the outside. People probably thought I was a bitch. My coaches called me an "ice princess." I lived by the motto, "fake it till you make it." And after a while....I even fooled myself. And it helped! So that's what I'm going to do now. I'm going to find my old steely resolve and do whatever it takes to succeed in life.

So, here's to the new fearless, confident me. watch out.